Assumptions, Calculations and Categories

Yesterday, we hung out with friends in a lazy Saturday kind of way. We decided to go to a local vegetarian Indian restaurant for their dinner buffet. There were six of us at a table and the place filled up nicely. When I was coming back from the buffet, I saw what I would assume was an Indian American woman holding a child with fairly light skin and blonde hair. My brain went to work trying to figure out their exact relationship. Ha! I caught myself doing something that I read in people's eyes constantly. Although it's not such a unique sight in our area, I do notice sometimes that people will look at me, then look at Z, then look at me again like they're trying to do a math equation. "One European(?) American woman + one Chinese(?) American girl = mother+daughter?"

So here I was, somehow thinking I was "above" all that needing to work out relationship equations, but in my head I was doing the math. I tried to give the woman a generic "hi, how are you" kind of smile, but I imagine she also knows the look of a brain in calculation mode.

When I sat down at our table, I noticed that there was what I assumed was an Indian American man with what I thought was the same fair skinned, blonde haired girl sitting kitty-corner from us at a table across the aisle. Then, the woman I had seen earlier came out of the restroom with the actual girl I had seen. They were twins! My brain was happy to figure out that multiplication equation. I forced myself not to look, but in the back of my head, I was still working on it.

I saw Z look over at the table and then she turned around and said "well, one thing is for sure...I know they were adopted." Hmmm. Surely it was a teaching moment, but what could I say without the family at the other table hearing our discussion? Adoption is a wonderful thing, but trying to understand someone's family dynamic is unnecessary. A family built on love is a family, period. So, I told Z that their family may or may not have been made by adoption and it's something that can happen with any family, but we don't always know the answer. We could certainly make our guesses, but in the end it doesn't matter. They were there enjoying each other's company, eating amazing food and those girls looked loved.

In the end, it all added up to family.

Naturally Real

For those of you who are adoptive parents, you may know this post's business just by its title.

I'm currently a stay-at-home mom and yes, sometimes I have the TV on to keep me company during the day. A couple of days ago, one of the women from The Talk was telling the story of a woman who stole money from her child's school to pay for IVF treatments because she wanted another child and couldn't afford it. So, the woman on the show continued with the story, incredulous that a woman who "had one natural child" had the nerve to steal money to try and have another one. Well. There it is. "Natural." That became the story for me.*

Z is Chinese-American and Mike and I are not. So, we rarely get asked the "is she your natural/real child" question. People already "know" their answer to this stupid question. My answer would be "yes, she is very natural and she is most certainly real and she is my child". What is the opposite of natural and real? Yeah, no children are unnatural or unreal. I promise you that her cries in the night, hugs during the day, or the way she loves watermelon is no figment of our imagination.

"You know what I mean" is the sentence most frequently heard when I have corrected people to say "biological child". Yes, I know what you mean, but it turns out that what you intended comes off as ignorant or hurtful. I know in this world of political correctness people sometimes feel like they are walking on eggshells, but language is very powerful and people should know they could be hurting someone by using it. If someone continues to use hurtful language, they should at least they know the possible damage it could cause.

Well, November is National Adoption Month and I think sometimes adoption comes off as second best and not natural. We all need to be aware that our words are powerful. Anyone whose life has been enriched with adoption should help spread the word about the good language of adoption. There are many ways to grow a family and as long as there is love and healthy relationships, then it is best and supernatural. Let's celebrate adoption!

*Sara Gilbert is also on the show and I was a bit surprised she didn't speak up about it since her older sister and brother are both adopted.

Happy National Adoption Month and NaBloPoMo!

I have no idea if there is anyone still reading my blog. My outlets tend to be social networking sites, but it's NaBloPoMo along with National Adoption Month, so I thought I'd try and get back on track.

Z just turned 7 and for the first time is in school for the whole day. There are things she loves about first grade, but she has asked me on many occasions to home school her because she misses me so much. No, I'm not really contemplating home schooling. However, I miss her too and wish she came home earlier. I look at her and sometimes can't believe I was lucky enough to become her mother.

You've heard this before from many people, but I'm truly astonished she's already 7 since I can remember so vividly holding her in my arms for the first time back in July of 2005. Memories come flooding back to me as I watch her do her homework, write thank you notes for her birthday gifts, and read to me. For the longest time, Z needed "pinky time" with our pinkies to sooth her and I don't remember when she stopped, but sometimes I now ask her to give me pinky time and she happily cooperates.

Sleep. Just something else I remember well. Well, when she was younger we didn't get much. We used to take turns going to bed with her in our room and then we finally made the switch to putting her in her own bed and then we were still constantly having to check on her to keep her calm. Once she was in her big bed, we found it helpful to have a small mattress with a sleeping bag in our room to help when she would get up in the middle of the night. It seems just having a place in our room made her feel better. We are now at the point where she pretty much sleeps through the night with very few night terrors. The only remnant is the night light we keep on until we go to bed, which we shut off when we check on her, so if she wakes up, she knows we've checked on her and we're in our room. Mike and I would often repeat the mantra "check-on-me, check-on-me, check-on-me" to get us through the tough nights.

Z is amazing. Mike and I had a rare date night recently and on the way back home we talked about how everything we went through to have a child led us to her. I never wanted to have two miscarriages, but I also can't imagine life without Z in it. Adoption may not have been the first way we pursued a family, but it has truly been a gift and I can't imagine our family another way. I am also thankful to Z's birth parents for all they have given to Z. We'll never know how much is nature/nurture, but she's a great person and we couldn't have had Z without them.

So, Happy National Adoption Month and Happy NaBloPoMo everyone. I hope to see you here everyday in November. We'll see.......

A Mitzvah in Poor Taste

So here I am. It's been eons since I've posted and this one is going to be a rant. I was listening to NPR today in the car and there was a panel of mothers discussing the New York Magazine article "All Joy and No Fun". The subject was parenting and this quote from the article sums it up pretty well: "The effect of children on the life satisfaction of married individuals is small, often negative, and never statistically significant." It was an interesting article and I agree that parenting is not for wimps and it does indeed take away some personal freedoms but I also wouldn't change it for the world.

That's not the point of my rant, though. The panelists on the NPR program were asked if they would have children all over again, knowing what they know now. They all said yes (not surprisingly) and one even said she still fantasizes about having another one. This same woman went on to express her desire to adopt because then she'd be doing a mitvah in the world. Grrr.

Parenting is in many ways an act of unselfishness, but if someone is thinking of adopting a child to save them, or do good in the world or to get closer to God or something along those lines, I say don't do it. Every child has the right to come into a family who wants a child simply because they want a child not because they want to do a mitzvah (or whatever term someone may use for an act of kindness). Every time someone tells me "your daughter is a lucky girl", I cringe. I'm polite and try not to confront strangers, so I usually answer "we're actually the lucky ones". See, here's the thing, I believe most people who adopt just want to parent, watch a child grow and love a child. They're not expecting a big "thank you" from that child for "saving them".

So, yes my ire is up about this and it will most likely stay that way. Our 5th family day is coming up soon, which is the day we first met Z and became a family of three. I wish people would come to understand and accept that there are many ways to be a family. Families are made with love and yes, there are acts of kindness you express to your relatives and loved ones. However, becoming a family should not go on your good deed list.

Sunday Morning

This morning started out with a whine. We were in a rush to get to church and we were all too tired. Buttons couldn't decide what to wear and everything was wrong and she let us know it. At a certain point I almost gave up trying to get our buns out the door. We were very late and I couldn't wait to sit down with Hubby for a bit of peace with my knitting while Buttons went to Sunday school. The service was good and with my nerves settled I was looking forward to reuniting with Buttons.

So I went to her room and the teacher informed me that the topic of the day was families and that included adoption. When the teacher asked the children about adoption, Buttons raised her hand and answered...

"Adoption is love."

Um yeah. I melted in a puddle of happy tears when I heard that.

Before I met Buttons I read many books on adoption and one of the things I remember reading was how adoptive parents can have difficulties discerning typical behaviors from adoption issues. I don't claim to speak for all adoptive parents, but for me I think I'll always have that small part of me that wonders sometimes. We've discussed adoption with her and now she seemed focused on pretending to have babies, sometimes "from China" and sometimes a biological child. I know she's processing and I was just hoping the big message would come through. I don't think we've ever phrased it quite the way she did in Sunday school, but her answer gave me the knowledge that she understands the most important thing about adoption and for that I am thankful.

Yeah, I'm glad we went to church.

Troubling

I don't remember exactly how the conversation started, but I heard my daughter say "but nobody can buyed me anymore 'cause I'm yours". WHAT!!!????!!!!! After asking her to clarify, she repeated the same thing. She thinks we bought her? So after being utterly flabbergasted, I finally say "honey, we didn't buy you". I continue to tell her that we buy groceries and shoes, but not people. We did have fees to pay to the Chinese government and to the U.S. government and we gave money to her orphanage to pay for her diapers and her milk while her nannies were caring for her I explain in earnest. Buttons then pipes in with "and my nuks too" which shows me she's understanding this a bit more, but I'm still having trouble grasping this. I tell her that anytime someone is brought into a family by either an adoption, birth or marriage, there are fees. We're having the fees discussion at 3?

Before, during and after Buttons' adoption we read books about attachment, racism, and the plain ol' dumb questions people ask with International Adoption. We started talking early with Buttons about her adoption in age appropriate language. She takes pride in the fact that she was born in China and has a very basic understanding about her nanny (an ayi in Chinese) and her birth mother and father. After learning that many children who are adopted think they weren't born like other children but adopted instead, we talk about her birth as being a separate occasion from our family day.

Now, about the fees. People have asked me about the money for an adoption. I explain that there are fees involved, but I don't discuss the amount and I try to deflect after that. If someone has an honest interest, I'd much rather give them names of some adoption agencies or get them started on the internet rather than give them a monetary amount. I'd rather talk about the experience of adoption and how wonderful it's been for us and so many others. I'm careful. So where did she learn this? Did someone say something? Did she hear things and put together her own interpretation? She's so aware that it surprises me sometimes.

I had prepared myself for some of the difficult questions, but I didn't know I'd be answering them for my three year old. And so it begins...

Average Mom

Buttons and I met up with some friends at the local mall to play on the indoor playground. I noticed a rambunctious 4 year old boy who was having a great deal of fun and I looked around to find his mom in order to give her a smile. We chatted for a few minutes about naps, bedtime, how great the little play area is, how the kids grow up so fast and then it was time for the boy and his mother to go home. A pleasant, everyday conversation between mothers. The amazing part? I'm pretty certain her son was born in Guatemala and was adopted and I'm sure she surmised the same about Buttons and China. Neither of us discussed adoption. It just never came into the conversation. When she left, I realized how much adoption comes up in conversation with the people I meet who have either adopted, know someone who has adopted or wonders about our adoption. Most of the time, it's ok. Adoption has been one of the absolute best things I've ever done in my life. (The other thing that ranks right up there is marrying my hubby.) I feel...I don't know... a responsibility to educate or at the very least be a positive reflection on the awesomeness of adoption. So when this conversation, as lovely and important as it was, never went to the big "A", I was relieved. Why? Maybe it's because at home I always feel just like other moms. When we're in public together a vibe of "different" is sent from other people. I'm ok with different. No. Really. I am. However, "average mom" seems to be a rare label that I enjoy wearing in public sometimes.

Good Times and Assumptions

First off, read this post by my friend Marsha to find out how I spent last night. Oh, what fun! Above, you will find a picture of the delicious chocolates my Secret Pal sent me. Yummy. Also, the national election results today make me a very happy woman. See, good news and I am happy.

However, something happened at my local gym today that is giving me pause. I've been working out regularly for a few months now while Buttons stays in the "playroom". Buttons has had a bit of an adjustment, but is now pretty comfy there. Mostly. Today, when we walked into the playroom, our friend, 2 year-old"Helen" was already there and we said hello. One of the women who work there, "Monica", said "oh, you already know Helen. When she came in, I thought Buttons would be really happy to see her." Ok, Helen is Japanese, this was her first time in the nursery and what I assume Maureen was saying "hey, here is another Asian child, so they will have so much in common and maybe this will help Buttons be more comfy." At 2, I don't think kids have a sense of all this yet. I know my brother pointed out his buddy in pre-school by telling us he was the kid in the corner with the curly hair. His buddy also happened to be African-American. I don't know. I'm still working through why this chaps me and what to do about it, so I don't really have an ending for this post that ties it all together cause it's still messing around in my brain.

Tomorrow I hope to do a knitting post.

15 Minutes of Fame at 2

A few months ago I submitted this photo of Buttons to Adoptive Families Magazine for their first photo contest and "Bubbles" was a runner-up. I love this picture and it makes me chuckle every time I see it. I even have a little quote in the mag about the picture. Kinda cool, huh?

Congratulations Team Salsa!

I've been keeping up with "Do They Have Salsa in China" for quite some time. They are over in China right now meeting their daughters (twins!) Marie and Rose. Check out the first family picture here. Yeah!