Have you ever had a job you really loved? You gave it your all and the rewards were fantastic and amazing? You worked many hours and not only didn't mind, but really enjoyed it? And then one day you have a really bad day and you wonder if you're any good at your job after all. All you wanna do is call in sick and take a sabbatical for a day or two. The problem with taking the day off is that the job I'm talking about is being a mom.
Remember the
joy of dance class? Well, it turned into the week of "which lesson do I want to teach my child"? There's the "I'm always there for you" lesson or the "you can do something independently from me and I'll be there to pick you up afterward" lesson or the "if you cry and the teacher calls me to come and get you I will come...and then when I get there it's ok for you tell me you're fine and you'll stay as long as you know I'm close by and not going home to do the 4,000 things I planned to do while you were in dance class this week" lesson. Yeah, guess which lesson I taught her? I spent the week hanging out at the fitness center where she was having classes. I worked out, read a book, and finished a
knitted tank top for her. However, I needed to unpack, clean and pack again and I'm nowhere near being there.
The whole week I kept thinking "ok, it's dance class and pretty intense but I'm here for her and on Friday I'll get to see how much she really enjoys the class because I'll get to see her dance." Well, today dance class didn't happen. There's a whole story there, but I'd rather not relive it.
You see, in Belgium, Buttons and I were together 24/7 and I think I'm in more of a need for a breather from my girl than she's willing to give. I'm glad she wants to hang out with me, but I'm feeling resentment about the loss of the rest of my week without the payoff and today I really wanted to take a sabbatical from my job of stay-at-home mom. And these feelings bring on that most helpful emotion: guilt.
You see, being a mom was a job I wanted for a really long time and I filled out resume after resume, answered very personal interview questions, and traveled the world before I finally became one. I remember the longing, the waiting and the promise to never complain once I became a mom. Yeah, that was dumb because everyone needs to vent sometime. However, I know there are some waiting moms who read this blog and I don't want to seem ungrateful, but today I just wanted things to go as planned. Then I wanted time off from my job. However, Hubby was busy at work, friends were unavailable and my mom lives 12 hours away. So, I had to figure it out and I felt trapped and alone.
I've been in a terrible mood all day and I can't seem to shake it. In a little over a week she has another camp and
I have now learned a lesson. I am going to try sending her to this camp but if she asks me to come for her, I'm taking her home and she's not going back. Maybe she's too young and I'm definitely too cranky.
Would I quit this job? Never. No way. But Hubby and I are taking a 3 day/2 night trip while Buttons stays with my mom and I am counting the days. If you've made it all the way to this sentence, thanks for letting me vent. I needed it.
