The Nursery

I've seen so many pictures on blogs of the nursery. I'm a little late to the game, especially since we'll soon look for a toddler bed, but here are some pics of the nursery. It's a small room, and, believe it or not, used to be the guest room. After so many years of wanting a child, it was wonderful and scary to actually decorate using all our hopes and dreams (along with lotsa help from Ik*a). I remember going into this room and looking in the empty crib and imaging Buttons sleeping in there before I even knew what she looked like. These pictures were taken before we went to China and it was in pristine condition. However, I much prefer it now with the rumpled blankets, the toys misplaced and last night's pajamas on the floor after a quick diaper change in the morning as we're getting ready for the days activities. The photos in the frames no longer contain her referral pictures, but pictures of her on the bed in Guangzho smiling, all of us on her first birthday party, and one with the biggest smile I've ever seen on "just another day" with the amazing Buttons.

She is our bright shining star and luckily she's in our skies to stay. This is not the guest room anymore. There are times when I miss some of the freedoms I used to enjoy so cavalierly, but I remember looking into that empty crib and the ache of my heart was bigger than anything I could imagine. Now I know there is something bigger than that ache and it's the love she's brought into my life.

When we decided to have children, I wanted to make sure I was doing it for non-selfish reasons. I didn't want to have a child to take over any unfulfilled dreams from my childhood. I didn't have thoughts about what she should be when she grew up except happy and healthy. I'm aware that there is always some self-centric reasons for having children and I'm not immune to them, but I wanted my reasons to be as pure as possible. What I didn't realize is that no matter how pure my reasoning was I still find I gain so much from her. No, that's probably not selfish, but in so many ways she has healed me. No, I wasn't broken, but we all are a bit wounded, right? I worried about being a good mother especially when all signs were flashing "no baby for you" in big red neon letters for a LONG time. Yeah, I still worry about being a good mother, but when I see her imitate me I can see the good in me through her. I still have so much to learn and I know she still has so much to teach me.

I love to sit in this rocking chair with her and have her snuggle into my neck and hold my hand and know she feels safe and comforted. I loved the nursery before she ever came and thought it was very well equipped. What I didn't know was how her love would fill it even more.

(Today is a special day for 2 reasons. It's my mom's birthday and it's the anniversary of Buttons' U.S. citizenship / the day she arrived in America. My mom loved her present last year, but I don't think I can top that one!)